Sense of Self

I have been feeling waves of overwhelming emotion lately.  I suspect it's from the sudden ability to self-discover after 9 years of silence.  But anything will make me choke up, from watching my dog recognize me from across a field and come when I call, to a TV show featuring Chef Boyardee that talks about how they supported the soldiers in WWII.  It's been almost exactly one month and it doesn't seem like it's only been that long, because for the last month I've been free to live life fully.

I have been exercising.  I lost a few pounds already, but more interestingly, I am fairly toned now.  I've got lots of weight to lose still, but I've been more productive.  I've been looking for houses for my mom, taking the dog out for walks, finding myself bored without the urge to open World of Warcraft.  I've been doing more reading and talking more to friends and family.  My sense of ME and what I like is becoming more defined.

Along with the sense of self comes a freedom from guilt.  The guilt from not shaving my legs or armpits, the guilt from not wearing feminine clothes, the guilt of disappointing everyone I know and everyone I don't know with my failure to act feminine.  That's gone now.  I'm even almost okay with having a D-cup and trying to pass.  Well, that's not quite true.  There's going to be an initial learning period during which things are WEIRD AS FUCK (mens rooms... oh man... not looking forward to those...) and I make a few dumb faux pas.  I guess the best I can do is to have friends with me and get in lots of practice at home.  Which is still funny to me.

Basically what I feel happening to me is the slow merging of two different images into the reality of now.  I should draw it, I could do that more effectively than express it in text.