Not Suicidal

I've grown fond of saying that I had an 80% mood increase overnight when I realized and let myself embrace the idea of this whole overwhelming business.  The thoughts I was having before were... not bad, but numb.  Nothing meant anything.  I was trapped.  And the moments of clarity I had were during panic attacks, which are not the best time to do introspective work.  Basically, the only times I felt like I was being honest with myself were the times I was unable to breathe normally, acutely aware of something being wrong, but completely devoid of the ability to understand what it might be.  Something simple like being male identified would never occur to me.

No wonder suicide happens in untreated cases of this.  I was honestly considering it during some of the hardest moments.  At this moment, it seems like a far-off distant sort of silly thing to think of, but dark places have a way of getting to you, I guess.  It wasn't just the body image thing.  I am being overwhelmed by debt and family issues.  Work is a challenge.   I've always been very aware that something is wrong in my life.  I've been on medication, psychiatric and otherwise.  I've been to therapy.  I remember when I was going to a therapist in 2004, I brought up gender identitiy, though the therapist deigned to talk about it.

Having that knowledge of a problem, coupled with the other things I've had to face lately, far outweigh the knowledge that my life is actually pretty posh to an outside observer.  I work for a cool place, I don't have any expenses but the occasional drink and food at work.  I don't have to pay rent, nor did I have to buy a car when the truck died.  I'm very lucky to have such an easy life.  That disconnect has always been something I've been acutely aware of as well.  I know I have an easy life, and I know that I have no real right to be overwhelmed by difficulty.

At this point, the difficulties are becoming manageable.  Even though I have almost no money, my mood has been through the roof.   My body image issues are so much more understandable now.  The thing that's been an issue has been identified.  It's like that moment on the show House when Dr. House suddenly knows what's causing the person to suffer.  All my life has been a repetitive series of "No, that's not it." and the moment I figured it out, it brightened everything.  Eureka!  I have found it.  I'm not a woman with overwhelming and crushing depression.  I'm a man with a physical issue, that I can take logical steps to resolve.


Life is great.